Alan the chimp

Somehow last night I began to dream that I was introduced to a chimp who was living at an amusement park. I was to take on a volunteering role looking after Alan the chimp. His current keeper was showing me how to communicate with Alan, who had been trained to recognise particular vocal signals.

First you would make two noises which were a greeting sign to Alan, who would repeat them in turn to greet you. Then you would make some noises which indicated that you were in charge. Next the trainer was showing me the two noises you made in order to ask Alan if he wanted a banana, but I had some difficulty with these and she left me to it. After my making several attempts at this signal, Alan suddenly said (in crystal 1940s BBC received pronunciation with a hefty dose of derision) 'Oh for God's sake. Give me the damn banana.'

'Alan, you can talk! Doesn't your trainer know?' I exclaimed.
'No, she likes to use those signals although I find them somewhat inconvenient,' he said.
'Would you like to come to a tea party?' I asked Alan. (Of course).
'Yes, that would be nice.'

So Alan came to my tea party. I had invited an eminent chimpologist I was inexplicably friends with and my imaginary husband. (No, never saw the face. Bit pissed off about that).

'Alan, do you know that you may be a genius?' I asked him, over tea and sandwiches.
'Well, hardly,' he said. 'What would make me a genius?'
'Other chimps don't speak Alan. They don't know how.'
'Really? I wouldn't know,' said Alan sadly. 'I've never met another chimp. I was taken from my mother when I was young and hand reared by humans.'

We spoke long into the evening. Professor Chimpologist began to posit that Alan's amazing RP had been the result of a constellation of genetic mutations which left him with the vocal and cognitive capacities to develop speech. Why he spoke like David Niven was a mystery though, but he made a witty and charming guest despite the butt scratching and nit picking.

The Professor was keen to establish a breeding programme. Alan became confused about this, thinking that the Prof was planning to find him a wife which he felt ambivalent about because he had suddenly come to realise no other chimp would ever be able to speak to him. He did long to be a part of his community. He also felt conflicted about sperm donation, and asked for more time to think it over.

I woke up at this point, feeling great sympathy for Alan, who was destined to remain alone in many ways.